I take my GRE tomorrow. I have been having anxiety about this for days. Because basically my inner critic says to me, “you aren’t going to do well because your anxiety will take over, then you won’t get into a good grad school or none at all.” “Then what are you going to do?” “Those admissions people are going to laugh at you.”
I am getting anxiety just writing about this.
I am so nervous as to how to control this. I am so scared that I am going to wake up tomorrow a nervous and anxious wreck.

What I struggle with, is this is so illogical. I have studied all summer. Taken 4 or 5 practice tests. I have a almost perfect GPA. I know logically that I can only do the best I can.

But my inner critic is a bitch. She laughs at those things. Says to me “you’ve got to be kidding yourself, those things aren’t enough, you should’ve done way more.”

I am the type of person who tells others and tries to tell myself that “you try your best and forget the rest.” I am a big believer in that. So right now I am caught in between that and my inner critic.

When I have anxiety my inner critic is the boss, but when I am calm I am going to try my best.

What do you do when you feel your mind has let you down?

My inner critic is a bitch. When everything seems to be going right she’s right up there telling me I am screwing up, am going to screw up, or actually, everything you think you know is false.
But what’s even more messed up is that I listen to my inner critic. In fact, when during a recent therapy session my therapist suggested different ways of getting rid of “her,” I felt anxiety.

That is so screwed up. I get hurt by her, but yet I’m unsure if I want her gone.

Is it because I’ve lived my whole life with her up there beating me down at various points along the way. She was there when I should’ve broke up with my high school boyfriend, but she was telling me you won’t get someone better, you aren’t good enough. She was there during my depression telling me that you shouldn’t have this depression, it’s all in your mind, get your butt out of bed, which in all reality made my depression worse. She was there when I had to turn away an old friend in a time of need because they were hurting me too much, she told me that I am a horrible person for tossing this person out onto the street. She is still here telling me that I should be able to control my anxiety. I am not supposed to be having it because I am the helpee, the future counselor.

I have to call my inner critic “her” instead of “me.” Because I don’t think I would sanely tell myself these things. Logically I know what she is telling me is fucked up, but outside of the logic I believe her. I let her run my mind. I let her start my catastrophizing. (And yes that is a word to me. It means you start with one negative event and you end up with the worst possible thing that could ever happen in your life.) I let her rev the engine of my anxiety.

My inner critic is a bitch, but I am still unsure if I want her out of my life.

As I sent off that thank you into the world wide web I realized that I everything I feel has a purpose. As much as I would like for some thoughts to simply just disappear, a year or more from now I may want to remember what I was feeling.
I’m going to forget the 2 minute walk I took last night with my best friend who also happens to be my roommate for the past 4 years. I am going to forget the time I fell asleep on the boat this weekend because I had finally been able to silence the anxiety in my head that makes me so tired. I probably won’t remember dumpster diving for old windows that someone so carelessly threw away.
I am able to remember these things now because they happened within the past week. But it somehow makes me very sad to think that these simple, maybe even mundane, things will be lost in the past, forgotten remnants of a life I live.

I don’t want my past to be like those old windows. I don’t want things I have felt, been through, to be carelessly put into a dumpster because they are forgotten about and don’t have any real value anymore. Because really, my feelings and memories will have some value someday to someone, whether it’s me or someone else, just like those old windows.

Really, I deserve to relish in my life. I deserve to live in it and remember it. And I don’t want to take that away from myself. I want to value my everything just like I value my brand new old windows.

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The idea of writing a journal, blog, or anything really, has always interested me. But you see I have this messed up idea of when I write something down it makes it real.

It happens with everything. Test dates, grocery lists, feelings, thoughts. I like to push things to the back of my mind. But when I write them down they aren’t at the back of my mind anymore. They are real.

So this is the reason I have not started a blog.

But recently I stumbled upon a site called hugstronger. Through that I came into contact with a beautiful soul. Kaleigh. And through that contact I happened upon her blog.

She weaves words like I have never seen before. And the way she does it is so very unique but still makes absolute sense. So much sense that she inspired me to start my own blog.

I realized I have things to say. I center my life around helping others and maybe just one person will read and be affected. But that’s one more person than before.

I want to be able to get my feelings out and write honestly. Because that’s what I liked about Kaleigh’s blog. That’s what inspired me.

And maybe I need to write things down to make things real. Maybe it will be good for me. I don’t know. But here’s to making things real.