Archives for the month of: November, 2012

This may be short and sweet. But it needs to be said…

I want to love myself more.

I am feeling a little better. A little less anxiety and a little less depression. Less than three weeks until I will be a college graduate. Right now I am just basically putting my head down and barreling through. Every once and awhile I get sucked in to the (what seems like) million little things I have left to do in terms of school and applying to grad school, but most of the time I’m good. Not getting too stressed out. I am realizing that I am having enough time to get things done. For once. I can do this.

But what I’ve noticed is I am losing myself. It’s great that my anxiety has gone down. Actually, it’s wonderful. But I’m forgetting about me. What makes me happy. What I am striving for. Where I am going. Like I said I just have my head down and am pushing through. The thing is I can’t figure out how to love myself more. I can’t figure out how to get back in touch with myself. I’ve spent most of this semester just dealing with anxiety that I haven’t really had a chance to recapture me.

So for now I want to figure out ways I can love myself more.

I’ll get back to you on that one.

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This is about my journey through anxiety, depression, and loneliness. To me it sounds extreme, but really it might just be me covering up (again) what I am really feeling. The last 2 months have been hell. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster that I can’t seem to step off of. Dealing with anxiety is the cherry on top. But also the stress of my last semester of school, and applying to graduate school. Adjusting to the changing relationship between me and my best friend. Some days I feel fine, but most days, I can’t even describe it… I have a break down maybe every other day. I feel lonely almost every day. Some days I feel the depression. Some days its the anxiety pulsing through my veins. It’s like something else has taken control of the reins of my life.
“I’m not happy,” I say in a whisper. I so badly want to reach out to you. So badly want to tell you how much I’m hurting. But for some reason I have this notion that I shouldn’t bother you with my problems. We are all stressed and you can’t take this on. But then I spiral down further because you should care, you should understand, you should be there for me.
These statements are going to be overgeneralized and may not have a hint of truth to them. They also may be partly my fault. But it helps for me to write them down. I’m mad that no one cares. I want someone to worry about me and hope that I will get better besides myself. I’m mad that I have to struggle with this. No one could ever someone who has this. I’m mad that I will most likely have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Why me.
I’m so tired of picking myself up every day and beating down my inner critic. She’s so mean. I think I tell myself every day that I’m not good enough and that I will never be good enough for anyone.
It seems that even when I think I’m feeling better or okay I’m just hiding or pretending. I don’t know. It’s so much easier for me to be sarcastic, make jokes, be happy. I wonder if anyone would be surprised at how much I struggle every damn day.

This was all just a jumbled mess, just like what is going on inside. I am so worried about how long this is going to go on. Because I’m so tired.