Archives for the month of: October, 2012

If I could tell you, I would tell you this.
I would tell you that I’m not happy. I put on a brave face because I’m supposed to. I get through and do what’s expected of me because I’m supposed to. But underneath I’m holding on by a thread.
I would tell you I’m scared. Scared of the future and what that holds for us.
I would tell you I feel lost. I feel lonely.
I would tell you I don’t know what’s going on in your life, who your friends are.
I would tell you that I hate how you keep your lives so separate.
I would tell you that I don’t feel good enough for you or your new life. Not smart enough or something else.
I would tell you that I don’t think you are being as good of a friend as I am.
I would tell you that every day I struggle with anxiety and I feel the depression sinking back in.
I would tell you that I feel like I am losing you.
I would tell you that I don’t feel this friendship reciprocated. Something’s missing.
I would tell you I’m worried.
I would tell you to try a little harder.
I would tell you that I love you and don’t want to lose you.

So lost right now. And don’t know which way is up and not sure of what to do. I wish I could talk to you but I am not sure if that is a good idea. And that scares me even more, because I have NEVER been scared to talk to you. Where is our friendship going?

So you know the days (or week) when you feel like you are 5 seconds away from a breakdown? Where if something just hits your heart in the right spot you will start crying and collapse to the floor. Well that’s where I’m at.

I think the only thing that got me through this week was my dad’s chocolate chip cookies.

I am beginning to feel like I have taken on too much. I have been sick for 2 weeks and I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I am constantly running. My emotional state is up and down.

Honestly, I don’t know how the fuck I am writing this right now. Surprisingly I have just been able to take things as they come. I have been holding onto “Sometimes all you can really do is just try your best.” Because I know in my heart that I am giving it my best.

My anxiety has mostly been at a baseline. So not too high but always there. So that’s fun.

All in all I feel like my mind is too full with things I have to do, should be doing, or want to do. The dos are running out of places to hide.

Part of me wants to reach something that will push me over the edge into that breakdown territory, because then I can pick myself up, brush myself off, and plow forward. Because really, at this point there is not a whole lot else I can do.