So about a month ago I wrote about how dating right now isn’t right for me. How ironic that I met a boy a few weeks later. Now, when I meet guys I don’t waste my time on people I don’t think I’m going to have a connection with. Well I felt the connection. I was drawn to him because he’s older, in grad school, and we seem to be at the same point in life. That’s what I’ve been struggling the most with in undergrad guys: they don’t seem to have the same priorities as me.

What I’m struggling with is just letting go and having fun. Because my last and only serious relationship was not a good one. I lost my independence and was generally unhappy. I don’t see myself ever getting back to that point, but my inner critic likes to tell me that I will. So I’ve been reverting back to the thinking that it is sometimes easier to be alone and do my own thing. Less anxiety, less sadness, less over-thinking.

But I am stuck in the middle.

Because I like this kid, but yet I am so used to being alone and the unknown is scary. Am I going to waste my time? Am I going to hurt? Maybe for so long I’ve just been avoiding relationships so I don’t have to run into that hurt. I don’t know. Now it just feels like I’m over-thinking 🙂 Story of my life.

I also have another thing running on the fast track in my mind. I do enjoy spending time with him and I feel as though that is reciprocated. But even though it seems he’s into me (cheesy term 🙂 ) I just don’t think he’s ready to commit the time I am wanting. I am the last person to jump head over heels into a relationship, but I’m gonna need a little more from you dude.

So right now I am just giving him the benefit of the doubt and kind of letting him take the reins, because that will show me what he is willing to give. Because again, I am not going to waste my time. School has always been and will continue to be a priority to me, but if I am willing to give him a little rope I expect the same thing. If he’s not ready or willing, that’s fine, no judgement. But I would rather just know, because I don’t have time for that shit.

I feel as though this blog didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but I just really needed to get it out 🙂

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