Archives for the month of: September, 2012

I’ve been hitting new emotional lows lately. I just can’t seem to find the motivation for school. I truly can’t wait till December 14th. I am tired of classes that contribute nothing to my life. I want to work directly with clients. It is so hard to go to class, pay attention, do homework and study for them when my heart is just not in it. I have a taste of real life at my job and I love it. I would rather work 40 hours a week there than go to 4 classes.

So needless to say, this hasn’t been very good for my anxiety. I can’t find motivation so I blow things off, then I beat myself up for it. That’s when my anxiety kicks in. Telling me anything and everything about how I am going to fail. But then I also tell myself “tomorrow” or “this weekend,” when really when those times comes I have lots of other things to do or I just keep blowing things off.

I am just not loving myself right now. I don’t like how I am behaving when it comes to school. I have a negative attitude and that’s just not me. I used to put my all into school. I also have never procrastinated. I want to get back to my normal self. But I am struggling with how to get there.

So I’m going to start with this. A list. Because organization is how I can control my life and it’s what I know best. I am going to try to stick to this list, focus on it. Because then maybe I’ll get myself back on track.

1. Get to sleep earlier. Have a routine. Watch tv or read, but no tv right before sleep. Light a candle. Drink sleepytime tea or listen to my guided imagery. I need to remember that sleep is very important to me and my anxiety and stress are usually very high at that time. I need to take this time for myself for a mental break.

2.Try and wake up with a positive attitude. Don’t start my day thinking of all the crappy things I have to do. Focus on at least one positive thing that is coming that day.

3. Make a list of things that need to get done and stick to it. STICK TO IT.

That’s all I can think of right now, but this is a start. I have always had to overcome my inner critic, but I especially am hating myself right now. And I want to get away from that. I want to at least like myself.

So I’ll leave you with this picture. And this I need to remember. It is fall now, and I can move forward and get back on track.

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So about a month ago I wrote about how dating right now isn’t right for me. How ironic that I met a boy a few weeks later. Now, when I meet guys I don’t waste my time on people I don’t think I’m going to have a connection with. Well I felt the connection. I was drawn to him because he’s older, in grad school, and we seem to be at the same point in life. That’s what I’ve been struggling the most with in undergrad guys: they don’t seem to have the same priorities as me.

What I’m struggling with is just letting go and having fun. Because my last and only serious relationship was not a good one. I lost my independence and was generally unhappy. I don’t see myself ever getting back to that point, but my inner critic likes to tell me that I will. So I’ve been reverting back to the thinking that it is sometimes easier to be alone and do my own thing. Less anxiety, less sadness, less over-thinking.

But I am stuck in the middle.

Because I like this kid, but yet I am so used to being alone and the unknown is scary. Am I going to waste my time? Am I going to hurt? Maybe for so long I’ve just been avoiding relationships so I don’t have to run into that hurt. I don’t know. Now it just feels like I’m over-thinking 🙂 Story of my life.

I also have another thing running on the fast track in my mind. I do enjoy spending time with him and I feel as though that is reciprocated. But even though it seems he’s into me (cheesy term 🙂 ) I just don’t think he’s ready to commit the time I am wanting. I am the last person to jump head over heels into a relationship, but I’m gonna need a little more from you dude.

So right now I am just giving him the benefit of the doubt and kind of letting him take the reins, because that will show me what he is willing to give. Because again, I am not going to waste my time. School has always been and will continue to be a priority to me, but if I am willing to give him a little rope I expect the same thing. If he’s not ready or willing, that’s fine, no judgement. But I would rather just know, because I don’t have time for that shit.

I feel as though this blog didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but I just really needed to get it out 🙂